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I want to tell you about the storm
That took him away
But the storm is over and
I’m left reeling while he sits
on the other side of town.
There is magic in both
your absence and
your presence but not in
my force upon our friendship.
There was a magic
we held together
before your hand so firmly fit around mine.
I knew my name then
and I heard your heart.
I run now to the rivers to cleanse myself of you
or so I think
I go to the Santa Fe river with offerings for Oshun and your name
wrapped around a rock I lodge directly in the stream
I go to the Pecos River to pray, tossing offerings and listening
I go to the arroyo, so dry, and sit beneath the bridge.  Calling the names of deities
I take a piece of paper that belonged to you crumple it in the dry river bed.
How foolish I am… when what I am trying to cleanse me of is me…..
My feelings, my depth, my beauty…
I reach into myself
My brothers and sisters surround me
And I bind myself to Me and my God
I’ve nothing to rid myself of anymore.
Only the River like the Wind to rush in.

You drove from Texas to rediscover me

and return home to your clan

I drove to Texas to explore my love for you and to meet your family.

You drove from Texas to move me into our new home.

I followed your truck filled with furniture and my love for you.

I need to remember the chain of events so a beautiful relationship can end in reverence.

So it can be enough to have loved for those days and not the ones that follow.

We made love in the wildest of places

Played music and sang.  I began to learn the mandolin….

I felt beautiful and intelligent and you constantly surprised me

Life far exceeded my expectations.

We tried to make a baby and it was too soon.

Then the storm came… and until a week ago I had no knowing of who I am

I struggle with my want for you the more that I can not have

We make phone dates and wrestle with the feelings that follow

I need to remember the chain of events so a beautiful relationship can end in reverence.

So it can be enough to have loved for those days and not the ones that follow.

We made love in the wildest of places

And you held my hand.

I told you everything…..

 

 

If I had found today that

I was pregnant

I wondered who it was I would tell

First

Would I wait for tomorrow

Could I? To tell you…

Amongst pages of Adrien Rich simply

pass the time until

then

I found out today … I have

spaces

waiting for you to fill

Pages of desert landscape

Amongst cornbread baking and the smells of coffee

I dream of a single Eagle feather in my hand and

Ask you for directions to an ancient sea

Simply invite tomorrow

So you

can tell me what it is

Today

That you found

To something.

Something we push through

In…space

Chest whirring

Eyes red.  So heavy

pushing sleep

never wanting to go back.

I didn’t find you so I could fall apart again and

dismantle for nothing

i believe

You pursue

the inner workings of the mystery.

I am mystery unaware

of my inner workings

You will never know

how many times I’ve traveled
down
the same path we walked that first day
late December
Each time
never making it farther than the bridge.
The first time I retraced our steps almost exactly
stopping at the same points of interest
remembering the quality of our conversation and
the longing that followed
Crossing the train tracks
from one path to the other
I went under the bridge and

Wiped tears in the dirt where water once lived.

Pungent chamisa. Wild flowers purple and orange.
Weeds overgrown and Autumn heat.

You’ll never know Alexander

I thought I’d never get over you then

longing like kite strings
vanished

How?

With the rise and fall of expectation and desire..

the flush of face and flutter in rib cage at the thought

of what I want to do to you.

Longing so great.

Loneliness you sense

through text message and email.

Disappointed by how much I want you

to fill my wanting

Embarrassment and need….

Just touch me

or lead me in skin

to some corner somewhere where streets meet and they have names

that tangle under moonlight

reflect the light of day in sun.

Balance the need to hide what bleeds out of every pore

ever since you touched me.

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