February 2015

Everyday at some point
It all makes sense.
See the errors in my behavior
Know exactly how to reconcile
Am overwhelmed with the beauty of existence
And my fellow humans

Every day at some point
The fog sets in
the ping pong match in my head commences
I want to ladle out all this sickness from insides.

The limits of control

I often wish I was under surveillance
These intimate moments would go noticed
My body would feel more beautiful
The crumbling not so desolate.

Someone would see the skin I live within
It’s structure
It’s muscle and bone
Imperfections and vitality.

I’d have witness
When I sink t0 the wood floor in the kitchen
Or when I pull the curtain as I close the door
Handle in my hand not yet turning the lock
Leaning against and between me and the cold
Cry until I don’t and then move on.

I suppose the everyday Angels
Disguised as flashes of light, shadows, or
People in line at the grocery store
Waiting for the bus
Passing me in the post office
See me
Witness me the way I witness the trees
With reverence and compassion.
Fellow companion.


I take pages from these different books….
How to love.
to be a friend.
to have day dreams and fantasies
Without traveling to far down the road of unreality.
Learning to hold many and let go…..
I’d consume you …..
maybe I do sometimes in that world
Between me and you where my earthy longing
Where I touch and get touched in return.
Where I am fertile and not alone.
Longing met in smoke and ghosts.
I make love to deities
Sit on ocean floors
Pull star dust from the sky to create my cosmos
My cosmic lover.
It is easier than reaching toward another with expectations
That start out so innocent …
As longing, connection and the pumping of blood
From heart to limbs.
I make love to Vishnu because I can’t confuse him
With any you that might sweep me away in my fantasies….
Fantasies so uncomplicated and mundane as
staring out the glass door
At the setting sun,
Going to the movies,
Or making tea and
kissing me before bed.

There is so much to let go of
In these early morning

Ever since we became lovers

Now that we’ve transitioned to friends

I want more out of everything that surrounds me.

I want the rush of life in every moment to sustain …

Even the longing more rich, vibrant and alive…filled with the purpose of exposing.

I am enough and still I want


More from this existence and these quiet little rooms.

I want to make love to strangers

I want to stare in to the expanse of sky and somehow


Amongst stars and stray cats

More than the lessons left to be learned

Or the moments lined up one after the other

More than the hunger and it’s reprieve

I want more than those moments when you held me down

And we bled into one another again and again.

I want this world to hold me down and fuck me

Make love to me like I am the majestic sky.

To stop dreaming of the end where my heart stops


I never have to wake up again

Instead to experience this passion and delight

In something so simple as these roses in their vase

Free of charge from the grocery


The dictionary open on the kitchen table…

The way my pajama shirt falls off my left shoulder

The crumpled orange wool scarf under the low light of the lamp

Curtain pulled to street light and I know the sky out there

And I am filled

With the longing for more.