December 2011


Yesterday I found myself at a park bench staring at tree trunks

And passers by.

I became concerned before leaving the house

That my heart had stopped beating.

Needing someone to lay their head on my chest and

Tell me they hear the sound that I can not feel.

Believing there is something missing in there

Push against who I am becoming.

Both lover and friend I fall short.

Now I seek distraction before winter arrives

 

Years ago I blacked out at work

The ambulance came

They put me in a room

To run tests on me

The nurses could not find

My pulse.

I knew I was alive regardless of what the tests would say.

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New sleeping bag

Life insurance

Lying on the bed.

Atop the driveway

I can see cars pass

On Paseo de Peralta

Thru trees and bending road

past street and winter green

Yesterdays newspapers, the clicking of the radiator

My clothes everywhere………

Kitchen chairs covered in jeans, knickers and shirt

Drying from Monday’s laundry.

It is days before Christmas

Today I am concerned with this vibration in my chest

And it’s less than accidental feeling

It’s as if every moment offers an opportunity

To put everything down.  To show up holding nothing.

I wear my heart on my sleeve and change my mind over what

Any of this means.

I’ll  probably stay in bed until the afternoon arrives.

Meet the setting sun on my way to work.

Wonder when love stops knocking

And simply lets itself in.

This is no outline

No poem

No sacred mandolin

Just some gesture in wanting…

In heart…..

Engaged in living.

IMPULSE:

2. a) incitement to action arising from a state of mind or some external stimulus. b) a sudden inclination to act, with out conscious thought.  c) a motive or tendency coming from within.

3. In mechanics, the change in momentum effected by a force, by multiplying the average value of the force by the time during which it acts.

4. In physiology, a stimulus transmitted in a nerve or muscle, which causes or inhibits activity in the body.

“I was always so impulsive. I guess that I still am.  But all that really mattered then was that I was a man.” Tom Waits

Definitions from Websters’s New World Dictionary of the American Language.